Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
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Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain