WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
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Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts