Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
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COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Why am I like this?
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.