*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
You Might Also Like
he was correct
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Peace was never an option
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
There’s no “u” in narcissist
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.