27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
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ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Me checking my bank balance online.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead