me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
You Might Also Like
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Super Hand Dog Face
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?