Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
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I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.