I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
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I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*