What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
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[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
somewhere, in an alternate universe
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?