Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
You Might Also Like
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
how to market bottled water to dads
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
The Joker was right
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.