[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
You Might Also Like
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class