Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
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For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Dammit Chief not again
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”