New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
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Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.