I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
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WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.