worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
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All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.