Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
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Encore…
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Happy Febuary everyone!
Plant care tips