I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
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Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E