My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
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i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”