Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
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Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Okay
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.