Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
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Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
when someone compliments me
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.