Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
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Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Bootstraps
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.