do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
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the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
that de-escalated quickly
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.