producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
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DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.