Word.
~ Microsoft.
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BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.