Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
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I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
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HEYYYY MACARENA
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
I’m crying im so happy for them
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.