Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
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My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Candles never taste the way they smell
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
🤣🤣
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly