It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
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my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.