[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
You Might Also Like
White parent Vs Arab parents
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
I believe the plural is “milves.”
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.