Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
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In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
bias laundering edition
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Yes
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”