Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
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A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?