Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
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I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”