In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
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Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.