If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
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Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*