*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
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1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor