no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
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Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Who says great literature is dead?
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.