I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
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Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Who called it baking and not making love
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Writing, She Murdered.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Worst Native American name ever.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Mike Tyson’s apartment building