“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
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*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.