No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
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[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Oh my god
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
This is the one
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
October already? What’s next? November????
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.