4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
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Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Have kids, they said
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Favourite diary entry ever
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.