I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
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Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN