earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
You Might Also Like
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Why am I like this?
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.