I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
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*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.