Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
You Might Also Like
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Every haunted house movie: