Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
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14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
#inspiration #foodforthought
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.