First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
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One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME