[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
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A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
calling in to work dehydrated
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.