I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
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Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Meow?
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.