*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
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You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
This dude got his own movie?
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day