You Might Also Like
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Lmaoo 😂