Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
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If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny